NE week

March 21

It was sleep time already but I still couldn't sleep. I was still nervous about the next day. Yes, the day after that day showed the date 22nd of March. That meant that my national examination was arrived.

So I've studied since 2 days ago, to prepare for tomorrow, but still couldn't sleep. I never thought that I'd feel this kind of feeling. Feeling of confusion, concerns, nervous bout exam. I never imagined, either.

March 22

Two subjects have passed. These exams were not as scary as I imagined. And I admitted that it was pretty easy to ask for answers. Lucky who didn't buy the millions answer (me included), the answer that was said to be 100% right was up to 50% right. I believed my instinct that every answer that was sold by irresponsible person of course, must not be 100% right. I was sure about that.

Tomorrow, English will be waiting. and now I got headache. Oh, great. My God! This is so uncomfortable, so painful. And when I did online try-out, it was getting more painful. I don't know what's wrong with my head. My mom said it was because I was nervous and stressed. Yeah, maybe you're right, Mom. I hope you're right.

March 23

Today should be my 25th months with Eka. But, forget it.

The English wasn't so hard. Well, I guess. The listening section, there was a hard-to-be-listened question. We had to choose the best picture described by the monologue. I was confused between two choices. After the test finished, my friends were asking the same question. "Apa sih jawaban soal yang 'handbag'?" Many answered B. Many answered D. Some answered E. Since we had no idea which one was the best answer to the question, we stopped talking about it.

Tomorrow is math. Honestly, I'm not ready since I didn't understand about circle, vector, transformation, and statistics. But now, I can say myself is a pretty good reviewer. I can understand two of them tonight (well, is that good enough for a lazy girl?). So tomorrow morning I have to review about vector and transformation. And then, *tadaa!* I'll hope the question wouldn't be hard.

Actually, I felt that pain again. I got headache. But this time wasn't as hard as yesterday. I still could study. And now it's cured by itself (what is wrong with my head? please tell me).

Oh! I almost forgot. Clifford chatted me again. I was still angry with him but I didn't show it obviously. I don't know what to do, neither what to feel, nor what to say. Im still mad at him but I can't show him. He seemed nice just like we were.

March 24

The math exam wasn't as hard as I imagined, again. But still, I had to ask for some answers to my friend.

My friend said that the key that she got only 4 numbers were wrong. So, I think it would be a great idea to ask for some answers to her if I don't know the answers.

Tomorrow is Physics. I don't have any special preparation for this. I guess this national exam is just the same as semester test. Even the guards aren't as killer as my teachers. So it was easy for the students to work together. I don't know whether it's been set like that and my school's teacher do the same thing in other school of not.

Hope tomorrow can do better.

About Clifford, I have talked about the problem with him. I don't really care whether he felt guilty or not. I just wanted to know why he did that. Just so I know now.

Just like I said,

mistakes are easy to be forgiven, but hard to be forgotten.

March 25

The guards for Physics test were not fools. It was hard to ask for answer. One of them went out to the front of the class, was talking with class-next-door's guard. He didn't look inside, but the guard-next-door looked. So I didn't have a chance to ask. So unlucky.

Tomorrow LAST DAY!!! Hoorraaayyyy!!! at least I'll have done the heaviest test to pass high school. Tomorrow is Chemistry. Okay, honestly, I did not prepare anything special, again, for tomorrow. So I just hope the questions wouldn't be so hard.

Today, I've been asked for many things to do tomorrow. Mothy asked me to join the choir preparation for Easter Eve Mass. And I must join it. It'll be my last time joining choir. Oh my, I'm so excited to sing Chor medleyed with Halelujah. Stella asked me to watch a movie tomorrow and I suggested to watch Alice In Wonderland and she agreed.  Ira asked me to go wherever the wind blows. Those all make me even lazier and lazier from minute to minute to study chemistry. Oh my, what should I do for tomorrow?

I feel empty. I've broken up with Eka. Okay, that's what I wanted. I feel better. But still, something's missing. And I don't worry about that actually because I believe it will be cured by itself.

hi there!

Today is Thursday and I still feel the same. I don't know why I feel this way. Someone who just broke up with her boyfriend should be sad and feel lonely. But in fact, I just feel a little lonely and a little sad. Why?? Maybe because my boyfriend and I didn't spend our time together so often, even almost once in two weeks. For this, really, I don't blame him that he goes to university in the capital city and I go to school in the city which is smaller than Jakarta. This is just the situation. I've really known it from the very beginning, but I really couldn't imagine that it would be this hard.

So... the story ended. I broke up with him on Tuesday. Well, kinda hurt, I know. But I must do this for my own good. He promised to love me forever. And for him, promise is a promise, and a promise is not made to be broken. Well, for this one, I don't really care actually. I'm glad if he would love me forever, but hey, get real man! I'm still 18 and you're still 20 and you're talking about the duration between now until the end of the world, huh?! I mean, forever means 'until the day I die' or something like that, right? So, I don't really pay attention to that one.

Yesterday was the first day for me to be a single. No one SMS me, no one give me a phone call before I sleep, and no one was looking for my - deactivated - facebook. It felt different, I admit. But I guess I was ready for this so I wasn't crying or begging for mercy from God to make me feel better. I do feel worse and better at the same time, actually. Well, I can't deny that I was sad to break him up, but I knew that that was what I had wanted for a long time.

"I'm sorry Tata, you are special for me, but I really can't make you even love me more."

And he asked me how to make me still be with him, but I still said no. I said no. I said no. I said no. And I don't feel sorry for that, but I feel sorry to broke his heart. I am really really sorry, but please let me go.